Where a Man can be a Man and not told to Shut Up!

That Shit is Funny

Jolene’s Christmas Gifts


So I have a wonderful “Christian” neighbor that hates me, my brother, my wife, and my dogs. She doesn’t talk to us about anything her solutions to all problems are either call the cops or the HOA. Keep in mind the HOA has never found any problems with us. Also I feel like she could ask us one time to quiet down on the weekends before calling the cops. The cops should fine her for wasting their time. She has my phone number. The biggest problem for her is she never leaves the house. So I have decided what she needs for Christmas.

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Rx- apply nipple clamps and a generous quantity of ky and ride 2-3 times a day for as long as needed until an intense feeling “orgasm” occurs. Yes, it needs to be this big. She needs to get that funk out that has built up over the years and is causing the anger. If still not happy after 7 days join Match.com and start fucking real people. If that doesn’t work you might be a lesbian. If still not happy your just a bitch.
Try shoving this in your ass!
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C Dog

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Friday Night Chill


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Friday night I first met up with my brother and some friends at Mellow Mushroom.  This place has a great happy hour, great pizza, and great beer.  Oh but they got rid of Rouge.  That sucks.  Rouge brewery is my favorite and they carried quite a few of their beers.  Oh well we decided to go to BevMo and pick up some Cigars and Liquor and chill at home.

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The night was going great I got a Cigar ahead of time at Ambassador Cigars.  These guys were extremely helpful and friendly.  They had a huge selection as well.    I got an Angelenos I think it was the Grand Toro.  It was a mild and very nice cigar.  I had alongside some Knob Creek Bourbon.  We were having a great time singing songs and making videos.

Oh yeah I broke this by accident and then destroyed it on purpose.

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Then the bitch neighbor called the cops.  Why not ask us to quiet down first?   Oh and by the way We were listening to Pandora B.B. King and Elton John channels.  Come on.  Its friday night granted it was 10:00 but I think 1 warning first would be nice.  She hate us so much that she can’t even say hey could you quiet down.

The officer was very nice although my brother was trying to hassle him a bit but in the end he just asked us to bring it inside.

Later Erin arrived and joined in with some nice Martinis although she forgot that she gave blood earlier and ended up a little more intoxicated than she intended.  Her next day was not good.

This wonderful neighbor moved in about a year ago and was a bitch from the beginning.  Let me explain something.  If you have problems with your neighbors talk to them about it.  She always goes to the owners of the condo who like us so that doesn’t help her or attempts to go to the HOA which found none of the problems she described to them.  This is a mother of two that never leaves the house.  She works from home and only leave to take the kids to school.  I did find out and I can not say what is happening yet but karma is coming to her soon.   A little birdie told me a secret and I am so excited.

Saturday was pretty awesome Goaz Motorcycle dealership had a nice customer appreciation day with free food music and a fashion show.  I wish I had some pics to show you the models were off the chain but the will probably post them on their Facebook page soon.

Sunday I was back on the Duc.  Drew and I went up to Natural Bridge State park.  I was a bit of a cold ride on the was up but we had a great hike and warmer ride home.

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New Ducati! Ride Home from Denver to Phoenix with Triple D


Some of you may have seen this post on my other blog but this is perfect for The Man Pub! This was back in October

I have been wanting a new motorcycle ever since I sold my last one a year ago. I had a Ducati 848 superbike and it was super fast. I missed going out on rides in the nice weather just to get away for a bit. As my friend Veronika said to me after telling her my hobbies “you are an adrenaline junkie.” I never really thought of that but she may be right. I ride road bikes, mountain bikes, motorcycles, and fly airplanes.  Hmmm.  Well I will say it may be true but I am still on the low-end because you are never going to see me hitting a 40 foot jump on my mountain bike or anything that extreme.  I do think though that if things don’t scare you they are not really fun.  Would you go on a roller coaster if you didn’t have a little fear?  NO! You would say that it looks like a kids ride.  Moving on Last week I found a deal I cold not pass up.  The problem was that the bike was in Denver.  So I just hoped on a plane the next day.  I stated out by taking the Super Shuttle to Loveland and that didn’t go well since I missed the first shuttle and was standing 20 feet from it.  Hey Drivers call out where you are going and not in an indoor voice!  Next it was on to Northern Colorado Euro Motorcycles.  They had already ran my credit and had everything ready to go.   I was in and out in 30 minutes.  Amazing.  Best buying experience ever.

My Baby.  1700 miles!  2010 Ducati Streetfighter 1098.  155hp Nice!  I have 800 miles to go.  I started by visiting my friend Lara and we went to The Ale House Denver and got

Peanut Butter, Jelly and Bacon hamburgers.  Genius,  They were amazing. Oh and yes that is 4 cheese mac and cheese.  I am a health nut as you can see.

Ok now its time to get some quality time with my new girl.  This is no quick its 800 miles of hard riding.  I first start out west on I-70.  It got cold down to about 37 degrees.  I was prepared Lara took me to REI to get a neck warmer and hand warmers for my gloves.

The scenery was amazing.  I rode through Vail, Copper, Breckenridge, and more.  I was on a road that curved back and forth through a canyon with railroad tracks on one side.

In Gran Junction I got sick of carrying a back pack and bought a tail bag and life got drastically better.  I then met my Dad, nicknamed Triple D (Dilly, Dally, Dave) in Moab and we had a great dinner.  We then drove to our “quaint” hotel which I was told by Triple D was 30 miles away.  It was actually 60 and I made it 55 before I ran out of gas.  Triple D to the rescue.  He when and got some 91 octane to get me the next 5 miles.

Then next morning we had a great breakfast at The Peace Tree Juice Cafe.   We then set out after getting some tire sealant for Dad.  After about 60 mile we encountered a hail storm and extreme wind which we thought might blow us over.  We went back to a gas station less than a mile away and sat out the storm.  Triple D was soaked. in his mesh summer gear and it was only in the 50s.  Dad had a great idea to go to a laundry mat and throw the wet stuff in a dry.

We were then off again toward Monument Valley.  It was very windy.  Lots of the time we had to drive slow and the rest of the time Dad wanted to slow so basically we went slow.  I had to pay special attention for Triple D’s inability to drive at a steady speed.  When we arrived in monument boy did we get a treat.  The view was spectacular.

Off to Kayenta where we were force to stop for over an hour while a storm passed by.  As we approached Flagstaff it was now dark and the temp was dropping fast down to 41 degrees.  When we stopped for dinner I realized Triple D had the early signs of hypothermia.  I can believe he made it that far with what he was wearing.  We decided that we would stay the night so I texted Erin to tell her.  She replied with will you be home for work in the morning?  Work?  I don’t have work.  Shit!  Well I dropped my Dad off at the hotel and continued on my way back to Phoenix alone.  What a great adventure with my Dad.  Awesome time can’t wait to do it again. 


Jokes


My friend Steve gave me some great jokes for you guys.

Q: what are the main ingredients in Viagra
A: fix a flat and miracle grow

Q: what do you get when you mix viagra and rogaine
A: Don King

Q: what do a dildo and tofu have in common
A: they are both meat substitutes

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married….

If this does not make you laugh out loud  you have lost your sense of humor.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the”girls”.

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight,”I promise!”

Well the hours passed and the margaritas went down way to easily.

Around 3:00 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.  Just as I got in the door , the cuckoo clock in the hallway started and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I really was proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 totals = 12 cuckooes Midnight.)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him Midnight…He didn’t seem pissed off in the least.

Whew ,  I got away with that one!  Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him Why, he said,  Well last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “Oh shit”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat ,cuckooed another three times , giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.


Puff, Puff, Pastry and Pizza


Last night was a nice guys night.  It started out with a Papa Murphy’s pizza that I transformed in to The Man Pub’s pizza.  I added puff pastry to the top.  BAM


We also started out with some Deschutes Obsidian Stout which is just an amazing beer.  It is not a super thick stout but it has a full flavor of chocolate and espresso.

Next it was outside to enjoy a couple of cigars, Glemorangie Scotch, a local beer from Sleepy Dog Brewery in Tempe, AZ.  Another great beer that Drew picked out.  

I had a Gurkha Grand Reserve Cigar which was awesome.  it is a light cigar that is infused in cognac.  Drew wanted a more full body cigar, so he thought.  He was at a cigar bar and they wouldn’t even let him buy a full body cigar because they said he wouldn’t like it.  Of course now that’s all he wants.  I got him a medium-full body cigar, a Cubita Spanish Market Selection Churchill.  It was a bit much.  I mean he thought it was ok but he really liked mine.  I didn’t enjoy the Cubita it was just over the top.

My friend came over and told us a story that happen earlier that day.  He went on a call to replace a toilet in a brand new house.  He asked why and she said one of the workers make have used it.  Where do these bitches come from?  What  if she is out in public and has to take a shit?  Does she go on vacation, what then?  Another good night!

This morning I was up early to enjoy the Phoenix Mountain on the RIP 9 with my friend Tommy.  We had a great ride with great climbs and awesome downhills.  It was a little cooler but the humidity was up to 57% which in the desert is pretty high.


Shake Weight? Maybe!


Here are some great YouTube videos for you to enjoy.



Air Traffic Control


From an unknown source

Air Tower Instructions

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f….ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f….ing stupid!”

O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:
“American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):”Because you lost the bloody war!”

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… We’ve already notified our caterers.”

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,”What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ” Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Al pha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird
206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”

While taxiing at London ‘s Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:”US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”


Japanese Vending Machines


In Japan there is really nothing that you can not find in a vending machine.  You can buy almost any kind of food from noodles to Kobe beef.  The drink selection is absolutely amazing.  You can get everything from green tea to Coke to hot or cold coffee to juice all in the same machine.  I loved buying the hot coffee cans.  Best of all you can get beer!  Vending machines are everywhere because unlike the US Japanese citizens do not vandalize and steel everything that is outside.  What a concept!

One vending machine that I just found out about that even to me is a bit gross is women’s used underwear.  Now I am probably hornier than average and I just can’t figure this out.  I mean I know they put an amazingly hot girl on the box but do you really think she it the girl who wore them?  It’s probably like phone sex.  She may sound amazing but she weighs a good 350 with facial hair and hasn’t taken a shower in a week.  At about $50 that is a big risk.  I would love this job though.  I mean you prob get free underwear and then a pay check when you turn your underwear in at the end of the week.  If any of you want a pair of let me know I will do a pair for $30.  Below is a video of these vending machines.

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Girls Panty Vending Machine in Japan! – Watch More Funny Videos


Elite Status WTF


Walking out of the crew lounge today there was a frequent flier leaving the lounge waiting directly in front of the elevator. As the doors opened there were about 10 people inside. I moved aside to let them exit. The bitch next to me refused to move. She stood right in front of the doors and made people walk around her. Listen up. Just because you think that you are all that doesn’t mean all others should bow down to you.  Get out of the way.  I think you should be able to just run these people over.  How funny would it be if one of the flight attendants on the elevator just walked right through her and laid her out and turned around and then said to her “here are your peanuts bitch.”  That would have been priceless!


Ride and Step Brother Interview


Great Ride in the heat yesterday followed by and encore ride this morning before work which was filled with monster hills up and down.  This is my favorite time of year in phoenix where it is nice and cool in the am and hot in the afternoon. I had the pleasure of seeing a tortoise.

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I am finally down below 170lbs.  It has been a little challenge eating healthy and being on the road 4 days a week but I bring 4-5 meals with me as well as healthy snacks.  I am defiantly going to be cruise ready.  My goal is 165 or less before the cruise which is at the end of may. Time to enjoy a cup of Japanese green tea and get ready for work.