Where a Man can be a Man and not told to Shut Up!

Posts tagged “flying

Happy Mother’s Day


Podcast 4

http://themanpub.podbean.com/2012/05/13/happy-mothers-day-fly-safe/

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Air Traffic Control


From an unknown source

Air Tower Instructions

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f….ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f….ing stupid!”

O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:
“American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):”Because you lost the bloody war!”

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… We’ve already notified our caterers.”

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,”What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ” Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Al pha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird
206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”

While taxiing at London ‘s Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:”US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”


The Fun of Holiday Travel


There are so many people at the airport!  The crowds are crazy.  The good thing for you as a passenger is that there are also bars.  As a Pilot I have to deal with all of the craziness sober but not you.  First thing first.  Check in at home and try not to bring bags to check.  This will get rid of one line.  Next head to security and wear nice underwear because you will have to strip down to it.  After you get dressed and get that HOT 300 pound man with the skin tight pants that just felt you up out of your mind head to the bar.  This will help to cope with the crowds out people that instantly turn into idiots when they get to the airport.  Do not ask flight crews where your gate is! We have no idea.  The door to you flight will close 10 min early.  I think gate agents get whipped if a plane is 30 sec late, so they will not open the door even if their life depends on it.  If the door to the gate is closed sorry.  Remember if you have a problem unless you are on Southwest the gate agent doesn’t give a shit.  She wants you to go back to the bar and miss you flight.  You are just another person that could delay the flight and she will get beat again with a leather whip or something.  Do not schedule a 30 min connection because you will miss it and flights are full and the gate agent hate you so you will never get to your destination.  At least if you do miss your flight there will probably be good people watching.

If you actually get on a fight this is a good start.  Now you have to deal with the flight attendants that could be your great Grandmother.  If you get on most airlines they don’t like you or themselves.  They hate life and especially their jobs.  You will have better luck on a regional airline of Southwest.  If on United, GET OFF!  you have no shot at a pleasant flight attendant.  On the plane I would suggest more booze so that you can sleep and don’t have to deal with the B.S. For for your own well being don’t order some crazy drink with 3 juices and 4 liquors.  You will get your throat slit and somehow the cops will be at the gate for you and not the paramedics.  Hope that all of this information helps.  Safe Travels!