Jolene’s Christmas Gifts
So I have a wonderful “Christian” neighbor that hates me, my brother, my wife, and my dogs. She doesn’t talk to us about anything her solutions to all problems are either call the cops or the HOA. Keep in mind the HOA has never found any problems with us. Also I feel like she could ask us one time to quiet down on the weekends before calling the cops. The cops should fine her for wasting their time. She has my phone number. The biggest problem for her is she never leaves the house. So I have decided what she needs for Christmas.
Rx- apply nipple clamps and a generous quantity of ky and ride 2-3 times a day for as long as needed until an intense feeling “orgasm” occurs. Yes, it needs to be this big. She needs to get that funk out that has built up over the years and is causing the anger. If still not happy after 7 days join Match.com and start fucking real people. If that doesn’t work you might be a lesbian. If still not happy your just a bitch.
Try shoving this in your ass!
C Dog
Puff, Puff, Pastry and Pizza
Last night was a nice guys night. It started out with a Papa Murphy’s pizza that I transformed in to The Man Pub’s pizza. I added puff pastry to the top. BAM
We also started out with some Deschutes Obsidian Stout which is just an amazing beer. It is not a super thick stout but it has a full flavor of chocolate and espresso.
Next it was outside to enjoy a couple of cigars, Glemorangie Scotch, a local beer from Sleepy Dog Brewery in Tempe, AZ. Another great beer that Drew picked out. 
I had a Gurkha Grand Reserve Cigar
which was awesome. it is a light cigar that is infused in cognac. Drew wanted a more full body cigar, so he thought. He was at a cigar bar and they wouldn’t even let him buy a full body cigar because they said he wouldn’t like it. Of course now that’s all he wants. I got him a medium-full body cigar, a Cubita Spanish Market Selection Churchill. It was a bit much. I mean he thought it was ok but he really liked mine. I didn’t enjoy the Cubita it was just over the top.
My friend came over and told us a story that happen earlier that day. He went on a call to replace a toilet in a brand new house. He asked why and she said one of the workers make have used it. Where do these bitches come from? What if she is out in public and has to take a shit? Does she go on vacation, what then? Another good night!
This morning I was up early to enjoy the Phoenix Mountain on the RIP 9 with my friend Tommy. We had a great ride with great climbs and awesome downhills. It was a little cooler but the humidity was up to 57% which in the desert is pretty high.
Octomom Porn Video
Octomom is going to do a porn video. I am not sure what to think about this. I mean she is looking good in this picture I got from the “Huffington Post”
What are your thoughts on this. Are you going to watch it? I am if I can get it free just because I am curious but I wouldn’t buy it for sure.
Mother’s Day
Mother’s day is May 13th. Have you decided what to get your Mom? Well I just sent my Mom some Shari’s Berries. I have always wanted to send these to some one and got the idea while listen to Sunday School, Penn Jillett’s Podcast. Everyone sends flowers and that is great but it is good to change it up. Here are some other great ideas for Mom.
The Fitness Mom
Lulu Lemmon clothes or gift card
Icebreaker Clothing
Lucy gift card
Yoga
Merrell Barfoot Shoes
The Holistic Mom
Spa finder gift card
Whole Foods Gift Card
Acupuncture
Fresh Produce delivery
Burt’s Bees Products
The Boojee Mom
Coach Purse or even better Louis Vuitton
Cruise
Norstrum or Barney’s gift card
Jewelry from Tiffany’s or Better
Sprinkles Cupcakes
Normal Mom
Body Shop Gift Set
Flowers
Edible Arrangements
Shari’s Berries
Jewelry
A Very Funny Episode of Southpark
Since the Bangle’s cheerleader is banging one of her student I thought that I would share this epic Southpark episode with you.
NICE!
Teacher Bangs a Boy/Dog the Bounty Hunter
2 Bikes 1 Day
This morning my friend Ryan let me borrow his Ducati monster. Bob and I went on a nice breakfast ride and had breakfast at Cave Creek Coffee Company aka C4. C4 has the best coffee and chorizo breakfast burritos in Phoenix. What an awesome feeling having an Italian machine back between my legs. I can’t wait till I can go back to GOAZ and buy a new motorcycle.
Around 3 o’clock Drew and I got on the Gnar Gnar shuttle at South Mountain and started off riding Geronimo. The 1st ride could have went better. I broke my rear brake lever right at the beginning.
Luck for me there was still enough left to ride. We then moved on to Holbert which is a chunky mess. I did have to walk a few sections but overall it went great. This was very encouraging. We decided to do Geronimo one more time and it went much better. We got to ride with Gene Hamilton from betterride.net. What a pleasure he was a great down to earth guy. No big crashes today. Tomorrow back out on the cross-country trails. I am loving this bike it does everything.
Ouch
Our Super Bowl party was a successes. I was a bad blogger and forgot to take pictures. We had great food including: Lasagna, sushi, Enchiladas, and dips galore. Did I also mention great beer and other drinks. BTW I really like the new New Belgium beer DIG. It is like an amber and IPA mix.Very Good! I didn’t even get to see most of the second half. Can’t imagine why!
Ouch. My man Dan fell victim to National at South Mountain. We were so close to the end and his front tire lost air and then this. I swore he was going to have broken bones but I guess he has been drinking his milk! I am very excited my new bike is scheduled to be here on Thursday. I hope I don;t have to work on friday. My bro will be here too so we will defiantly be taking it out for a spin.
Today I was a good house husband. I reorganized the laundry closet and mounted the ironing board in there. Now we won’t have to go into my brothers new room to iron.
I even vacuumed the carpets and clean the fish tank and turtle tank.
Treat Williams
Started out having a martini last night and after several assorted adult beverages I woke up this morning feeling like crap. It funny how that happens. I did however manage to get a Mountain Bike ride in before work with my man Dan. Boy was it worth it. I mean I felt like crap and my legs were screaming from my leg workout yesterday but there was some Jesus (hot woman) on the trail. I think we saw the worlds perfect ass today. I wish that I had a nice picture for you but my phone was in my Camelback.
Since I didn’t get a photo here is another wonderful booty.
Tonight on a flight to Salt Lake City I sat in the same row with Treat Williams. Unfortunately I did not know who he was although he looked familiar. What a down to earth nice guy. He is a pilot as well so you know how that goes, had to talk about flying.
I am so tiered so I am going to bed good night.
Walmart Tires and Double Vagina
So 3 weeks ago I bought some nice new Goodyear tires from Walmart. Just like everything else at Walmart nothing but problems. One had a huge flat spot and they replaced it. Still not right. Getting a not so good vibration. They change 2 more that were defective and still vibrating. I go back and say I want 4 new ones that are a totally different brand. Much better but still not perfect. Maybe it something else like alignment but still much better.
On TMZ and on the radio I am hearing about an amazing woman Hazel Jones with 2 vaginas. Soooo Excited. Is she a side by side model or is she one in front of the other.
We may get to find out. She has been offered a porn offer. Please take it Hazel. We all must know! Now the problem here is 2 periods. Hopefully they are at the same time if not God help her man. I wonder if they are identical vaginas or fraternal. Hopefully the later because then you could have two different vags in one. Hopefully she will start a new breed of woman with 2 vaginas. Let me know your thoughts.
The Fun of Holiday Travel
There are so many people at the airport! The crowds are crazy. The good thing for you as a passenger is that there are also bars. As a Pilot I have to deal with all of the craziness sober but not you. First thing first. Check in at home and try not to bring bags to check. This will get rid of one line. Next head to security and wear nice underwear because you will have to strip down to it. After you get dressed and get that HOT 300 pound man with the skin tight pants that just felt you up out of your mind head to the bar. This will help to cope with the crowds out people that instantly turn into idiots when they get to the airport. Do not ask flight crews where your gate is! We have no idea. The door to you flight will close 10 min early. I think gate agents get whipped if a plane is 30 sec late, so they will not open the door even if their life depends on it. If the door to the gate is closed sorry. Remember if you have a problem unless you are on Southwest the gate agent doesn’t give a shit. She wants you to go back to the bar and miss you flight. You are just another person that could delay the flight and she will get beat again with a leather whip or something. Do not schedule a 30 min connection because you will miss it and flights are full and the gate agent hate you so you will never get to your destination. At least if you do miss your flight there will probably be good people watching.
If you actually get on a fight this is a good start. Now you have to deal with the flight attendants that could be your great Grandmother. If you get on most airlines they don’t like you or themselves. They hate life and especially their jobs. You will have better luck on a regional airline of Southwest. If on United, GET OFF! you have no shot at a pleasant flight attendant. On the plane I would suggest more booze so that you can sleep and don’t have to deal with the B.S. For for your own well being don’t order some crazy drink with 3 juices and 4 liquors. You will get your throat slit and somehow the cops will be at the gate for you and not the paramedics. Hope that all of this information helps. Safe Travels!
Baltimore Ravens Receiver Torrey Smith
I just saw a piece on the NBC news in Arizona about the Baltimore Ravens’ wide receiver Torrey Smith. It’s the holiday season and here is a story about “the perfect man.” Torrey’s mother was a teen popping out babies left and right. He was the oldest of 7 children. From the age of 4 he would put out cereal for his siblings and put them to bed to try and help out his mother. He was the father figure for his brothers and sisters. Torrey found his break with football. He got a full ride to the University of Maryland. His coach as well as his siblings say Torrey is a modest giving person that puts others first. Now Torrey is a Baltimore Raven and still makes sure that his family has money before he spends it on himself.
Torrey is what professional sports lack. Sports players have an obligation to be good role models and that is what part of their huge salaries go to. We seldom see great role models now and players still demand higher pay. I believe that all contract should have a clause where they loss a significant amount of money when they do not act like role models or professionals.
Alec Baldwin a Pilots Point of View
Alec Baldwin refused to turn off his phone on an American Airlines flight because he was playing “Words with Friends”. That’s understandable because you know sometime you are so focused on trying to put the letters in every combination until you finally make a word that no one has ever heard of. It was so bad that the plane went back to the gate and they kicked him off. I am so proud of the Captain and Flight Attendants! Just because you are a star doesn’t mean you can break the rules. When I first saw the SNL skit I did think it was funny. That being said after thinking about it, he basically said “I am Alec Baldwin and I don’t need to follow rules”. He feels he is so important that rules and even laws DON NOT APPLY. It really doesn’t matter if the cellphone rule is valid or not. It is a rule and just because you sit in first class does not change the rule. He is actually going to make money for not following the rules. Freaking Amazing! Alec your your an asshole.
I'm am a jackass!!!
Did You Just Look at My Chest?
I found this yesterday from a friend on twitter. You know women wear these low cut tops and then get mad when you stare at their boobs. This video says it all. Women if you don’t want us to look, cover up! We are instinctively programed to look at them. Just take it as a compliment. Please Comment!!!!!!!
The Man Pub 